It's been almost a year since I last posted on here. It's not that I've forgotten how to write in the meantime, only that I've forgotten how to write things that make me smile.
It's been a hell of a year, and that's an understatement. What's happened in the interim, well no one really cares. But it's been a year of fear. Fear what? you ask. Well, if you have to ask you'll never know, and could never possibly understand.
In three weeks, I'll be moving to my third city in as many months. Fear is the great unknown. The abyss. I'm moving all over Texas, chasing a dream that I'm afraid I've already woken up from. A goal that Lebron James couldn't even dunk on. But I'm still plowing away after it. My plow has crashed over so many rocks by now, why bother to check to see if it's sharp anymore?
Fear is failure. Fear is stressing out about the worst possible outcome to the most thought out and well intentioned plan. Fear is not knowing where you'll be three months from now, or worse, knowing exactly where you will be and hating the thought of it. I don't want to be afraid like that. I want to hit the Fear Monger in his mouth.
So I'm plowing away at something. Making grandiose plans that may or may not come to fruition. I know exactly where I'll be three months from now. And no, I don't hate the thought of it. I hate the thought of wondering where I would be had I not made these plans. Probably grinding my plow to a smooth, dull edge. Just another rat in a race, but by the time we all get to the finish line the cheese will have spoiled.
So I bought some milk. I'm going to make my own cheddar. Watch me. Then I'm going to make myself sharpen the plow. These metaphors are ridiculous.
So here is why fear has been near this year. For the first time in my life, I started something I knew that I would be really really good at. I was afraid I'd blow it. The fear drove me to succeed. When I finish up school, I want to begin my career doing something that not many people get to do. Fear is that thought in my head saying I'll never reach that goal. Others will, but not me. So this fear is driving me beyond my comfort zone, to yet another city to chase after that dream. Fear is wondering whether I'll know what to do when I wake up and I'm actually living my dream.
This summer I climbed the tallest mountain peak in Texas. When I looked down over the edge I wasn't afraid of falling. When you fall like that, the outcome is predetermined. Since I can't fly, gravity would have taken me to the bottom. I'm okay with that. It's not an unknown ending. That's why I like heights. There are only two options, stay put or fall. At the end of the day, everyone knows the end result of either. It's situations where there is an unknown component that make me afraid. I don't like that. The big "maybe." That's why law school is terrifying. Everything is a "maybe."
As a matter of fact, I'd bet there's tons of lawyers who'd try to convince you that gravity isn't a consistent law of physics. But then how would you know the truth, if you've never taken the time to fall and experience gravity for yourself? Maybe you just get close enough to the edge to watch everyone else take the plunge. Then you know. You had nothing to be afraid of all along. If you stay away from the edge then you can never fall. It's simply not possible.
For me, what I want is just on the other side of the edge. Across a short ravine. If I stay put then I keep the status quo--safety. If I try to jump across, then maybe I don't make it so I fall. That's an unknown that I am afraid of. Maybe I'll be safe on the other side, maybe I won't.
I think I'm going to figure out how to build a bridge... I'm taking my cheese and my plow to the other side with me though.
0 comments:
Post a Comment